Feb 4th 2013

"I'm strange. Coming across a forgotten face in whatever medium always gives me a small jolt...it reminds me that once upon a time we were in a shared life. And of course there are others, now gone, but I can hardly remember much from these events. We all lose a little. Only the truly blessed or hopelessly ignorant can say that they have led a life without loss.

However, my poor old memory mostly confounds and confuses me. Looking at my old entries or pictures feels like I am looking upon people, moments, and even a life I never had...sometimes even my own face in these photos look foreign. I try to think myself back into those shoes - what did I think about then? What did I feel about this person in the photo? Or feel in the moment? The funny thing is my answer is mostly nothing...everything just feels like a vague and distant dream (lol not trying to be poetic, it really feels this way). Most things are forgotten: accompanying words to pictures betray  emotions i no longer remember...significance was once attached to these people and events i no longer have memory of.

Which is strange. And sad. And makes me angry at myself and my shitty memory. If I can't even hold on to memories of myself or moments that shaped me then who will? I don't know why but as I grow older and more burdened with new experiences and perceptions, the ignorant person of my past grows more distant and unrecognizable and detestable...it's almost like some sort of dissociative personality disorder. Did i really think that things were so simple? Did i really think that was going to be the hardest thing to triumph? Did i really think the safety and comfort in certain constants would remain forever? Why would they anyway, when everything in this world is but a variable?

But i digress. What i wanted to say was that i seek to remember (sometimes) to seek refuge in times which felt safer...where my ignorance and naive understanding of many things molly-coddled me from the sadder realities of the world.

But I largely forget the specific events in my life (good god I hate myself sometimes)...and even if I do remember them, can I truly be sure of them? Memory transmogrifies with time, there are some things that probably/may have happened but im not sure if i can know that at all: the moment I held my first puppy, the zeal of first love and recognizing what it was, the first time I looked at my parents with the realization that I would never find any other another human being in a world of 6.9 billion who would love me this way. the unexplainable JOY of looking at someone and thinking that I had finally found a partner-in-crime against the world, the friendships which shaped the way I spent my free time (lol) and also largely the 'identity' I developed today, the people who for one period in the short sparks of our lives treasured me like I treasured them, the relationships we thought we couldnt live without (we did), the time when i believed my parents would always have the answers to every question I had, the moment i recognized people who i knew i would love and trust with all my life. And every single moment that lead to more defining moments that lead to them defining me that lead to who I am at this moment as I finish this sentence which is 4th Feb 2013 at 4.59pm.

I guess my point is that things happen, but sometimes we forget them. Also, things happen and sometimes we remember them but we can't be very sure of the memory unless we are some kind of a god with super memory. or someone who eats alot of omega 3 pills.

And also, sometimes these memories show us that there were once people who held special places in our lives but for some reason, are no longer there.

However, my current knowledge of life also shows that there are new people in these special places in my life. I used to believe that these new people entirely replaced old people such that our lives were always whole. But a old friend told me that people aren't ever replaced and can never be. There's just a new place for the new person. I guess that's another way of seeing our lives grow and broaden.

In entirety, what I'm saying is that I've realized that life is in constant flux. Should I unnecessarily attach emotions to every action or inaction that came with each loss and change? Life goes on regardless of what I subjectively feel about each and every moment I once lived. This flux means: i also have new thoughts, new people, new perceptions, and a new personality vs old everything that we keenly miss, but that also fades and changes with memory, and will one day become part of a forgotten dream....until the moment we see something that pricks us and reminds us, vaguely so, of a life we once led."


i seldom post my personal thoughts here...but this is a piece/principle i will probably want to revisit every time i decide to harp on reflection or loss. lol <- release dramatic tension