i've literally just finished two research papers in two days. FINALLY submitted my second paper an hour ago. this marks the end of hell week, a few day breather before very tight exam prep begins. i feel so relieved to be at this point (end of hell week) that i feel compelled to write about my thoughts and feelings!!! by all accounts, i had a rather thought provoking week.
firstly, i had immense fears yesterday over my corporate social responsibility research paper....i literally lay in bed for 4 hours thinking about how i've majorly fucked it up and by extension, dramatically thinking about how i've fucked up my final semester and degree and job prospects and life in general. it's funny because every time i panic i somehow end up in bed, majorly depressed to the point of immobility, and i PRAY. seriously in moments of absolute desperation, i cede control to some unknown, anthropomorphic god and pray SOOOOOOO HARD to this benign force to just let me pass through. i know that when i pray, its normally because i've seriously hit some kind of rock-bottom desperation where i have no faith in my control and power over events that could unfold...
which is strange because in most cases, i do. i do think i have some control and power over the future events that would unfold in my life. and so i turn to this anthropomorphic god only when i need to. what does that say about me? if he exists he probably thinks of me as an ungrateful, utilitarian brat. which leads me to a second string of thoughts. i've been thinking that i might finally be understanding the grace and forgiveness of god (i mean this in a very general religious sense, applicable across different religions) that seems to be a recurring teaching in various religions. after very cursory reading about the age of the universe, you realize just how old creation is - basically that it really is beyond imagination. i think i read somewhere about how the period of initial expansion after the big bang, was something like 0.1^36 seconds. This fraction of time in relation to the age of the universe at that point of expansion, would only find comparison in the analogy that in this very moment, if the universe was expanding at that speed (literally a SUPER fraction of a second), it would take us several trillion years to fully finish that stage of expansion. i'm not sure if these mathematical analogies make sense, i basically took really long to understand them too. anyway my point is that creation and by extension the forces behind it are UNFATHOMABLY OLD. not even counting the insanely huge expanse of universe that exists besides earth (always get tingly thinking about how big everything could be), this planet in itself has existed for billions of years. every single moment i've experienced on earth is but one seriously freaking TINY fraction that makes up all the moments that could have existed since the beginning of creation. i'm beginning to think that all the little sins and shortcomings on my part and on all other humans' parts --- even the seemingly most grossly unforgivable ones to human minds like mass genocide etc ----- are really but a superbly microscopic speck on the continuum of time since creation. in that sense, i can see why Creation, Nature or by extension an anthropomorphic god should he exist, would find alot of our failings "encompass-able", and maybe even manageable in the grand scheme of things? therefore alot of tiny rules and talk about how god is pissed when you do X or Y just feels really silly. not sure if this argument makes sense. subject to more refinement!
also, i got to spend an afternoon with two people i really like that i kind of just met this sem. everything was really lovely that afternoon. i got to eat ice cream in comfortable silence in front of the office of my favourite work attachment - brought back so many memories. then i got to have a really animated and genuine discussion about things like feelings and religion...and adventures to come in our lives. i left feeling so hopeful and at peace. every time i get all depressive and panicky about the future, i think about the people that will probably be in my life then. sometimes, you meet people that you instinctively know will be part of your life for some time to come.
i blame the rambly and exhibitionist nature of this post on my terrible state of mind post south china sea research paper!
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