For W (1990-2016)

one of the last few songs W worked on.


that wednesday night, after a long day fighting fires at work, i was told to go to beauty world, near W's house, at the last place we had korean fried chicken together. i thought we were all going to have supper together, since he said they were all over at W's. But M comes alone, and says W is dead and gone. i just remember both of us in confusion, sobbing and heaving for a whole hour on the street across the last place we ate together. in the cab we try to cry quietly.

the next 4 days were spent going through the various motions of grief, watching people go through the same motions, watching a mother wail, a father, a brother, a friend. we had spent the week before, just the three of us, eating W's new favourite korean fried chicken (W was being typically picky about food, returning the bowl of rice because the rice were sticking together and not in "individual grains"), being amazed at the boneless-ness of all the chickens (how humankind has progressed!) talking about the mongol invasion and the fall of the shang dynasty, some magical crossbow, how happy we were at work, our favourite GOT spoilers for season 6. later on, we had W's favourite sickly sweet mars bars waffle (i learnt at the wake that that was his favourite candy) and talked until the cafe closed and we walked quietly along the shuttered streets. i'll never forget that last night. on thursday, i cried all day at work, and so did everyone else. i don't know how else to explain the kind of shock and grief you get from feeling quietly contented from a good night, to seeing W's face wreathed with flowers and christian verses, and saying bye to a face that looked nothing like his, stitched up, with make up, eyes closed forever.

dear W, thanks for the last 1.5 years of laughs and great conversations. there are few people i've met that i thought were 100% special and all round great, and you were one of them. thanks for all the talks on the spiritual, the religious, the nerdy, the wacky, the weird, the funny, and everything in between. i thank god, the universe, fate whatever, for letting me meet you, even for a little while. this hit me hard because i know we've always talked about finding out what's on the other side, and that's what you said you wanted to do when you decided to go. i hope you find the answers to the questions we had. and if the afterlife is truly a timeless place, you probably know all the other things like the ending of game of thrones or whether spiritual possession really exists. i promise to keep reading weird shit, and learning all about the downright bizarre, mysterious and strange things of this world for you. i'll be sure to tell you the best stories when we meet again.

i feel so sad and sorry for everyone who has known and loved you for a much longer time. i know not a day goes by where they do not think of you. just on tuesday, we were at OMAM, and i turned around and saw M biting back his lip and trying not to cry. i know he was thinking about you. on saturday we were out drinking sake and eating korean fried chicken. i know everyone wished you were there too. sometimes when we're doing familiar things at familiar places, it feels like you might just turn up round the corner. and when everyone regales each other with stories about you, it feels like you're here again.