our last night together

tonight was the last night we would all be together for a while. it's one of those goodbyes we say with finality because we recognize that we'll be moving on to our new jobs, boyfriends/fiances and whole new lives in new countries hours away from each other....and it'll just be harder for all of us to have quiet nights full of loud conversations like we did tonight.

i cried a little on the cab home, and choked up when we did our final huddle. i feel so sad about these moments, mostly because i'm so full of love for these people. i feel like i've known them forever...we grew up in school, through terrible tennis coaches, shitty friends, crappy school weeks, met each other's first loves, then A levels, then university in various places. all through it i always felt like we understood, loved and cared for each other despite the distance and lack of time.

more than anything i'm aware of how we're growing up and old. it's stupid but i remember so clearly so many of those stupid moments we had as 14 -15 year olds, attacking YM and E during tennis touch rugby, laughing over nothing in waffle town, finding crap on the ground to throw at each other, watching sadako and crying into my hoodie, taking neoprints and eating hong kong cafe, being perpetually sweaty, baking and playing with our pets (some dead, some alive)...its freaky to think that that was us a decade ago and now we're here.

 more than anything though, i feel sad knowing that our paths are beginning to diverge -we'll always be amazing friends i know, but it makes me sad we'll no longer sort of be the kind of partner-in-crime friends that we had the privilege of being when we led coddled semi-identical lives when we schooled here - which is fine because i know everyone is different and we grow up and change yada yada, and i consciously make choices to do the things i want to and lead the life i want regardless of what everyone else thinks is good or right. i'm becoming keenly aware that i'm the only one with no desire to move away permanently (for now), i love my country, i love my parents so much and never want to leave them in old age, i love my dog and if and when he dies, i know i'll never forgive myself if i'm not here. i love my firm...of course job-related things are always bittersweet but i truly feel like on the whole i'm happy with my fledging office life and i'm happy to strive and learn new things every day with people i've grown or am growing to love, respect and care about more with each day. i know i could never live off someone else and/or not have a meaningful career goal, at least not for more than a year if ever. i know i want to be equal or better than my partner, i know i want to contribute to society to the best of my abilities, i know i want to create something for the community, i know i want to create, build, learn, change, grow in all the ways i can, and i want all the things i do and/or create to be a reflection of my personality. i recognize that not everyone wants the same things.

a part of me knows that the child in us, that same person at 14 or 15 is still there inside, but somewhat superseded by a kind of maturity we just develop as we come into this world of being an adult. we still talk about the close-mindedness of our parents, feel upset at things like their racism, extreme religiosity, and all sorts of strange parent-child dynamics we go through etc., or how singapore is too small for our lives with big ambitions, or too stressful for our lives of quiet satisfaction. when we talk about these things i become all the more aware of how they've changed, and how i've changed over time. don't get me wrong, i love them all very much and am so incredibly proud of them. they're so amazing: well-educated, intelligent, attractive, full of wit and love. but i do recognize i'm increasingly becoming my own person, and they, them. it's not good or bad, it just is, and i love us regardless.