will i freak out when i realize one day that my cells are no longer regenerating as fast as they are dying? that the larger significance of that is that i AM dying. its the knowledge that burdens...
i've been feeling so reflective lately, and this always happens when life feels abit uncertain and shitty. like now where i have 4 exams to take and then i have to go find a job (it sounded alot more dramatic in my head). then i realized i sounded rather bratty and lame, because its not like i have to live through apartheid, or be forced into prostitution for the rest of my life (aka not sasha grey because she chose it and its 'performance art').
also, cue cliched quote about how life is short and that we're all dying - so its really a HUGE FUCKING WASTE of time for me to be crippling myself with incessant fears of the future and failures that havent occurred: like never finding a job or a husband, getting breast and ovarian cancer, whether i'll be a grandma with long or short hair, my dad or dog dying, whether my babies will be normal, whether i will even have babies. will i ever see a ghost before i die?
anyway i have been living life quite frivolously. i dont think thats a bad thing, but it can't be all there is. so i will reflect and pick on the little bits that i can. and learn from it.
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